I think about Neo-Tokyo a lot. Neo-Tokyo is a place I keep close to myself even now, someplace that used to be home, but it's always going to be unreachable since it doesn't exist anymore. Nothing changes the feeling I get when I think about that city for too long. The memories I do have about the city itself focus on specific places I spent a lot of time in and the rest is all left in blank pieces.

What I have are images from the manga and movie which can be just enough to bring up these feelings or help me envision Neo-Tokyo in my mind, but it never feels like enough. No matter how much I look at those drawings, I can't and rather not force myself to remember anything substantial. Seeing drawings that are just glimpses into the city, random roads and expressways and neighborhoods and buildings, won't give me back the things that matter most to living somewhere.

The mental map and sense of direction I used to have when I lived in Neo-Tokyo is gone. I wouldn't be able to give anybody directions or remember how the zones of each district used to fit together in an uneven puzzle. I can't confidently tell anybody how to get from point A to point B in the least amount of time. If I somehow went back to Neo-Tokyo I'd be nothing better than a useless tourist in a place I once grew up in. This practical knowledge is all gone because I don't need it anymore. But I wish I still had it. It feels unfair sometimes.

All this reminiscing and grasping for memories I do all the time clashes with the fact Neo-Tokyo wasn't that nice of a place. Political unrest, riots, protests, gang fights, the oppressive school... When Neo-Tokyo was my home, I wanted to run away a lot. I never actually did because I always chickened out or some other reason. Those times all I wanted to do was leave, I hated everyone and everything, but I couldn't. If I ran away, would I belong anywhere else?

Somebody might ask why I'd miss that place when it didn't seem like something to miss. I should be happy I'm not there anymore, right? But I find myself wishing I could go back all the damn time. Even after all the destruction and pain I went through, Neo-Tokyo was my home. I never loved it. I still don't love the memory of it but it's something I knew. Neo-Tokyo was all I knew. It's something I can't have anymore.

My view of this world I can't have is so small now. I can only remember so few places where I spent most of my time before the city was destroyed. The rest of it is blurred together or even nothing there at all. It's not hard to imagine and find similarity in things here, though. I can get homesickness and reminisce and even remember something I had forgotten watching videos of people moving around Tokyo; seeing restaurants and bars and dirty alleyways and nightlife. But it's still not Neo-Tokyo and it never will be.

One of the places that sticks with me is Harukiya. It was a dive bar in district 17. It was "our spot." Whether it was with a couple friends or the whole group, the gang spent a lot of time there. Other gangs would show up too sometimes. We'd have rallies and do all kind of obnoxious shit but we didn't care. This happened much to the annoyance of the bartender. I can remember the steps going down to the door overwhelmed with graffiti and the couple drunk guys who seemed like they lived by the steps, the stuffy, sometimes smoky atmosphere in the bar itself, the sound of arcade machines and the CD jukebox and that cramped, nasty toilet. Standing at the bar, staring down at a drink I didn't know if I wanted...

I spent a lot of time there but it was dirty and noisy and sometimes bad shit happened in that place. I definitely didn't enjoy being there every time we went, but it was one of those places I found myself in way too much. The memories of my times spent at Harukiya all blurs together into this vague amalgam like everything else. I can remember the place pretty well, the manga itself shows it in great detail and I can easily imagine myself there, but don't ask me if I was there on a specific night and what I was doing.

Another place is the vocational school I was in. That place I even remember less of, just hallways and the infirmary and some classrooms and shop class, which all are just things I know were there but I probably couldn't describe very well. Another place I spent a lot of time in because I had to, but I can't remember it much. Maybe because I hated school. Sometimes I feel weird that I can hold onto more vivid memories of Harukiya or the school or even the Clown gang's hideout but I can barely remember the layout of my own apartment. The place that really was my home. Maybe it's because I'm "cheating." The manga shows those other places multiple times, drawing them from different angles, so I have something I can go off of. The place I lived doesn't exist as far as the manga is concerned but I know it did.

I know I lived in some kind of apartment block with one or two complexes. A tight neighborhood that I think had a garage or lot people kept their bikes at. A lot of guys going to the district 8 vocational school lived there so it must've been provided housing or something like that. I think some lived alone or with other classmates or their parents if they were lucky. I lived with Kaneda. The apartment was smaller, cheap. But was the bathroom a cheap unit? Was the toilet and bathroom separate? Where was the kitchen? I think we had a balcony... If I think too hard I start to get frustrated.

There used to be a time I remembered nothing about Neo-Tokyo or my past life. It wasn't until late 2024 that stuff seemed to start flooding back to me. I always want to remember more. I always want everything to be really vivid and "accurate." I feel like I've accidentally put an unrealistic expectation on myself when it comes to my own 'kin memories. I don't know why, maybe I think it'll cure my homesickness or something. I gotta work on being fine with not knowing everything whether it's unknown for now or unknown forever. Sometimes remembering the bare minimum is better than nothing.

So maybe I don't remember every single crack and dirty part of of Neo-Tokyo anymore but I remember it the way I can. Even a way that might be better than objectively remembering. The Neo-Tokyo I remember was cool night air, lights and neon, industrial, the sounds of bikes in the distance, sirens, smells of food and exhaust, Harukiya, the wind whipping in my face while riding, the gang, concrete under my boots and bare feet, street racing, a view of the sky lit up by light pollution and way too many other things to list here. The Neo-Tokyo I remember was home.